Being rebellious

On taking a break from the good to get the better

I spent 5 years saving up to buy my first property. £40,000+ of savings and investment and then in one fell swoop it was gone as I moved the money from my account to my mortgage broker.

(Side note — home ownership is not the bed of roses everyone thinks. It is tough to get into, and even sometimes tougher being in it but I won’t get into that today.)

After about a year of moving in and saving up again (!!) to do all the furnishings and change some things up, I decided to quit saving for a while. I gave myself 3 months to completely take a break from spending externally on other things and spend only on the things I wanted to.

Now the way my parents raised me meant that although technically I took a break from saving, well, it didn’t take a break from me. I didn’t stop the automatic transfers, but once it hit my savings, I moved about 80% back. And then I went on a shopping spree and had the time of my life. At this point, I was feeling like switching up how I wanted to look and feel and my current closet started feeling a little outdated.

Saving was already built into my monthly habits and financial routine but I wanted to rebel a little. It felt like a habit that needed to be undone a bit if only to be put back together again. Simply put, I just needed to do something that felt really good for myself wholly, not just for my financial health. And I felt like I had to get it out of my system. After intensely pushing myself and being consistently disciplined for 60 months I thought I deserved a break. I knew I deserved a break. I was travelling and going on these cute budget holidays but I really wanted to enjoy the money I worked so hard for. I wanted to indulge in a new hobby, upgrade my flight and hotels, or really treat myself without the expense of something as serious as my mortgage deposit.

Sometimes rebellion will look like leaving a workplace that no longer serves you, changing up habits and routines no longer fulfilling, or taking a break from something that is good so that you can get something greater.

In this rebellious phase, because it was new and unfamiliar ground, it was actually quite difficult to get into it. I struggled with feeling like this wasn’t the right thing to be doing. I thought I was making a huge mistake at the expense of my future. I told myself I was wasting money but simultaneously convinced myself I was doing something good for myself. But this was all wrong. ALL wrong.

Whenever people say renting is throwing away money I think — is it really? You have shelter and a home for yourself instead of homelessness or punching above your weight by tying yourself to a mortgage and someone calls that throwing away money?! Well, call me crazy because I would rather throw money at the problem than “save money” trying to please other people by doing something that may not even align with my own goals.

A lot of our twenties is spent in the waiting. You’re waiting for the right job, right partner, right idea, right time to buy a home, right time to move, right set of friends. And on and on you convince yourself that life hasn’t yet begun until you get those things.

But you see life doesn’t begin when you want it to — it is already happening right now. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful— but it is here and now.

It’s okay if you know that change needs to happen in your life but you are far away from it. It’s okay if you’re not sure how to find your way back, or way to that new place.

It’s okay if things are taking a little longer than you expected and you cannot see your way through.

It is okay if the mountain in front of you seems too great to be overcome.

Often the road less traveled is exactly where we’re supposed to be. Rock bottom may be an avenue for a turning point, a “kairos” moment. Things don’t usually come together all at once, but brick by brick, if you stay on the path of discovery and discipline, if you are resolute in your resolve, slowly but surely the mountain will begin to move. Rebelling by undertaking a path unconventional to most might seem counterproductive but slowly and surely, your way through becomes clearer and the foundation of your next step is right in front of you.

When it rains it pours — and it rains both on good days and bad, on good people and “bad” people. What got you here may not be enough to sustain you for the next stage of your life, but the effort compounds even for your next journey.

By now in life, I’m sure you’ll realise that small failures and bad days are a regular part of life. That you are not perpetually failing, and absolutely nothing is wrong with you. Sometimes we just have to make mistakes, rebel against the norm, and trust that it will lead us to the right place.

Recently I’ve been learning that rejection is God’s protection.

Human beings are guided by comfort. We stay close to what feels familiar and reject what doesn’t, even if it’s objectively better for us.

Being rebellious won’t always make sense. You have to dare to be crazy. Excuse my French but you might have to wake up and scream, “I’m not going to f***ing live like this anymore!” The fear of staying in a job that holds your potential hostage has to be more than unemployment and figuring out what’s next. I’m not saying let fear drive you, but I am saying you need to get uncomfortable with your circumstances and decide to do something that might not do well with everyone else. You cannot continue like this and therefore you will not. At the end of the day, it is your life and no one else’s.

After I took those 3 months off for myself, I was able to come back stronger and with more resolve to work harder. I made up my mind to work hard so I could truly afford to do things not just for my future self, but also my current self too. Nearly 2 years later, I am so much better for it and I’m now walking in the testimony of doing both. I’m able to take care of me today and take care of me tomorrow. I’m able to prioritise how I want my money to be spent— socially like going out and seeing friends, mentally and emotionally like therapy, physically like Pilate classes, and spiritually like church donations. I’m also able to lean more into my love languages which fluctuates based on the season I’m in — previously I spent maybe <5% on eating out but in a season where I need to gain time for the multiple projects I’m in, I’m unable to cook as much which means more money is going towards eating out. If I didn’t take the break to figure all that out honestly I might have been a slave towards my own savings.

It seemed pretty crazy at the time, taking that time off saving but I am so much better for it. What is the point of doing something if it truly doesn’t serve you? Saving has a purpose, but so does spending and there is a time and season for both. These days my new rebellious act is to try and be in bed early— against my best wishes which is to be the night owl that I am and stay up till 2 am. Mentally it’s hard to do because I’m more inclined towards deep focused work in the evenings and late nights but I know that what is best for me— health-wise but also just more sustainable, is sleeping early and feeling well rested. (PS — Also there’s a massive difference in sleep quality before 12 am and after and having done this a couple of years ago over about 6months I can still tell the difference!)

What does being rebellious look like to you? Comment below and share this with a friend.

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