I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about relationships and how they evolve over the period of our lives. Friendships and romantic relationships are a hot topic in your twenties - whether finding new friends as an adult, losing old friends, getting into new communities and making your mark, breaking up year-long relationships, starting new ones, moving in with a partner, getting married and on and on and on. But all of these interpersonal relationships take work and take time for the bond to grow, blossom and run deep.
As you journey through life in your twenties, it’s likely your circle of friends begins to tighten. Not because you don’t like having a ton of friends, but because you start to be really picky about who you’re letting influence your life, your character, mindset, faith, and everything in between. Where once upon a time I could be friends with any and everybody and boasted a huge friendship circle, over the last year or so, I’ve been intentionally picky about who I want to do life with. Knowing that some friends and relationships are for a reason and a season makes it easier to separate facts from feelings. I can have a mentor to help me get to the next level of my life, and once I do, I may decide to keep that mentor, or there might be someone else more relevant for helping me settle and adjust in that new phase. Where once I used to say I didn’t care what people thought and the only advice I could take was my own, experience has taught me that there is more wisdom in counsel, even in the counsel of trusted friends, especially older friends who have been where I am and made it to the other side. It’s great to be self-aware and grounded in your beliefs, but we all have blind spots and often need someone else to point out what we’re unable to see.
I turned 27 last week Thursday, and to say that a lot has happened in the last 365 days would be an understatement. What I will say though, is that even in a season of transitions, I am still fully seen, fully known, and fully loved. I have grown, I have changed. Of course I have. Grief has changed my life forever, for better and worse, and I am learning who I am in this new transition every day, who is with me, and who is for me. On this journey, relationships have meant more to me than it ever has before.
I have started therapy, grown closer to my husband, asked of and leaned more on my friends, made new unexpected friends, got a work mentor, and even found some gym buddies. This season has been focused on people, people, people. I have leaned on my people more than I ever have, asked for help, and frequently opted out of relationships and ‘situationships’ that I no longer had energy for and were not serving me anymore.
At some point in your mid to late twenties, you really start to see the separation in people’s lives visibly as a result of life choices and life happenings. The older you get, the more aligned you become with the people whose lives mostly complement yours in order for those relationships to continue to work. You realise you are not for everybody, and that you only want those things and people who want you back. You realise that life is not a game, where you are always waiting for the next player to make a move so you can see their gameplay, but it is an open playground, for you to make your mark in the sand, or swing as high as your dreams will take you, or dance in the sun, or play in the seesaw where sometimes you are up or down but you always have a partner with you.
The life choices you create and take in your twenties will shape your life for better or worse, so it is worth making sure you are making the right ones. In the different parts of life, it will require a version of you. Some of which are within, and others you will have to create out. You have:
Work — consulting, building a startup, random jobs, bankers, non-profits, working at a startup, law, certifications, professional exams, etc
Which affects finances — what people can afford, how they live, if they still live at home, if they’re buying their homes, able to travel …
Then there’s the illusion of people seeming like they have more than they really might because of social media — the designer bags, expensive jewelry and clothes, eating out all the time, luxury cars, etc…
Relationships — single, dating, partnered up, engaged, married, divorce/separated, re-engagement
Parenthood — single parenting, married parenting, co-parenting
And then there’s LIFE — health issues, sick parents or family members, death of loved ones, losing a job, starting a business or closing it down, seasonal or transitional friendships, therapy
It is in these things you will see how everyone’s life choices are playing out and how different your life could’ve been if you hadn’t made certain choices you have. Growth can be lonely, and even if you logically know that letting go of a situation or person was the right thing to do, you may still have regrets and sadness. And that’s okay. You can let those feelings exist without engaging too much in them. Character matters in the deep moments of life, and how you treat people and allow yourself to be treated by people will show your character. The same is true for the relationships in your life. From your work manager to mentors, friends, and even family. Do you like these people for who they are really, or is it just convenient to stick around them?
I am learning to build relationships out of love and not convenience. Having the right foundation is key because even if we start going different paths the foundation will still be there if we have mutual love for each other. Of course, love alone is not the solution to everything otherwise many divorced couples and broken relationships wouldn’t happen if all it took was love. It is a key and necessary part, but so are other factors like respect, loyalty, dependability, trust (!), reliability, and much more.
You cannot have your happiness tied to the action or inaction of another person. If you are not complete and happy by yourself, no matter how great someone else is, they can’t quite ever be good enough for you, unless you are good enough for yourself.
’The people who are for you will stand with you differently. Take note of who celebrates you, wants the best for you, and holds you accountable in healthy ways.’
My top life lessons over the last year:
1. Know who you are and own it.
2. Trust the timing of your life.
3. You can have it all, but not at the same time.
4. Although the world is big enough for everyone, your personal space should only have room for a few. Not everything needs to be shared with everyone. That the world is your stage does not mean they need to see or hear everything about your life. Some things are meant for you and yourself, you and your God, you and your friends/family, and you and your audience.
5. Most things are not as difficult as you imagine. Taking the first step is usually the hardest part, but getting there is a mind battle you conquer by always taking action as soon as possible, ie don’t think, just do. “It is always hard to believe that the courageous step is so close to us, that it is closer than we ever could imagine, that in fact, we already know what it is, and that the step is simpler, more radical than we had thought: which is why we so often prefer the story to be more elaborate, our identities clouded by fear, the horizon safely in the distance, the essay longer than it needs to be and the answer safely in the realm of impossibility.” - David Whyte
6. Do the thing more than you think about or talk about the thing. Procrastination is an arrogant assumption that you’ll always have the time you think you would do the thing you’re putting off.
7. Hardship is not a sign that you’re on the wrong path. Ease is not a sign that you’re on the right path.
8. Always show up for the people you love. Some things in life are tradable; moments with your loved ones are not.
9. Life is short. Take the risk, make the mistake. You likely won’t regret it!
10. Music and dancing are always the solutions to a bad day. Also, prayer.
A poem to the wanderer by Morgan Harper Nichols:
“For all of the places you have traveled through,
And for all the people that have helped you grow,
For all of the memories you’ve carried with you,
From all those years ago
You have been learning to open your heart to what is new,
And you have also been learning to say ‘goodbye’
You have been learning to travel through many emotions and experiences
You have been learning what it means to be alive
You are learning not to rush and to allow space
For beautiful things to grow in their time
…
Keep making space for people, memories and places
That were pivotal in helping you through
For even as you move on, you are free to carry what was beautiful with you.”
If you enjoyed this newsletter, please like it or comment and let me know :)
That was profound. I enjoyed reading that as a 27 year old thank you Bukkie
Well done my girl. I loved reading this. "Do the thing more than you think about or talk about the thing".