My name is Bukiie Smart Sulaiman. There’s a multitude of ways to spell Bukiie but this is the way I prefer mine. I experimented every year in high school all the different spellings — Bukky, Buki, Bukkie, Bukii, Buky. I finally settled on Bukiie at 16 when I graduated.
Now I’m not too fussy about how other people spell it for the most part — save for when someone just decides to butcher it completely. A really common spelling is Bukkie. But that’s not my name. My name is Bukiie. I prefer it to be spelled like that.
I have a friend whose full name is Eniola. Eni is a really common and easier word to say but she doesn’t like it. It’s so easy to say it’s not a big deal but as a friend, if she’s told me — my name is Eniola and I don’t like being called Eni (which she has said), then I must respect and honor that. It’s not up to me to decide whether I prefer calling her Eni because it’s more endearing or I think it’s cute. She has told me what she wants and if I decide to keep calling her Eni, clearly I don’t honor the friendship enough.
When I started working, a lot of colleagues would write my name as Bukkie or Bukiee (?), and for the most part, I didn’t care. Never mind that my name is in my signature and my email, and all the work documents I create/participate in. But on a bad day if I’m not in the mood and actually emphasise or correct you on the spelling of my name and you don’t take it— i.e. if you decide to be foolish and continue misspelling it, I will be petty and I will write John as Jon or Mark as Marc.
This has worked for me 100% of the time. When I’ve done it, I get back a lot of “I’m so sorry I didn’t realise I was spelling your name wrong! My bad!” Or some version of an apology. And then it’s fine, we can move on.
Remember you show people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and what you reinforce.
When I started working at Amazon and managing 5 European countries, I realised that my team is primarily European which means we have so many uncommon names in the team. In fact, there are only about 3 or 4 people out of nearly 40 of us who have common and easy English names. The spelling and even pronunciation of most of the team, we all have to make an effort to get right. And bless my team, they really do put in the effort! Maybe less than a handful of times my name has been spelled other than how I prefer it and most times the person has corrected it on their own regard. I didn’t know how much it meant to me until I realised that’s why I truly love the team I’m in. Culture is something that can be vaguely communicated, and most people don’t really know how to describe it in tangible terms but when I was distilling my reasons I felt like I belonged here, the spelling of my name wasn’t something I thought would come up. A small, seemingly insignificant part of my role but a truly significant part of my identity. It’s really the small details that make the most impact. Which brings me to — love languages.
Do you know your love language? Your primary and secondary language? Does it change depending on the season?
I was filming this TikTok and I realised how in this season my friendship love language has changed so much. I haven’t cared so much about quality time as much as I have this year. Physical touch like deep hugs and hand-holding means so much more to me now. Where once I could boast about being a “low maintenance” friend requiring very little attention because I generally prefer my own space and attention, I now want to see and be with my friends a lot more. At first, I resisted this change and I thought it was weird and these new feelings were strange, but over time I’m learning to accept and embrace them. I’m learning that as I change and grow, my likes, habits, and feelings toward different things and people will also change and that’s part of the process. Have you noticed that within yourself?
Some of the things you liked before, you no longer care for. Some of the things you couldn’t tolerate are suddenly okay. And some things you thought you didn’t want, now you really crave it.
Life is a constant state of evolving. You’re either growing or you’re dying, really. And part of the process is allowing people to treat you as the evolving person that you are. As we move through different stages and phases in our lives, we must change and adapt, even to those around us. When a close friend of mine was pregnant, our conversations switched from cute and funny memes and light-hearted conversations and jokes to more serious conversations about motherhood and even how that was going to change our relationship. We spent time talking about what she required for this new phase. I wanted to know how to love on her in this season, and when the baby got here, I wasn’t confused or unsure of what to do. I knew exactly how she wanted to be treated.
You see, you have to tell people how you want to be treated. This goes for everywhere and everyone. When I speak to especially younger girls in their early twenties about romantic relationships, we talk a lot about first identifying what they want, and then communicating it to their partners. As they transition into full-fledged adulthood, their relationship with their parents also changes as well. As they establish their independence, they have to let their parents know how they want to be shown love in this new phase. Maybe it’s no longer about putting dinner on the table every night because they’re mostly out with their friends or work colleagues, but maybe it’s about doing new things like having dedicated family dates— perhaps after church brunch every other Sunday or a mother-daughter spa day every month.
People can’t read our minds (fortunately or not). You will HAVE to communicate. And the older I get, the more imperative it is for me and those I love. Don’t like something — communicate. Want more of something — communicate. Confused about something happening — communicate. If you don’t then you’re doing yourself a disservice and most of the time you’re the only one really pressed about the issue.
Every time I get mad or frustrated about something, I remember that I need to speak up for my sanity. I must learn to communicate otherwise I will entrap myself in delusion and anger. It’s easy to make things up in your head about something or someone. The other side of the story is almost always very different. But because you’re stuck in your head and not communicating, things get worse and you end up on a very different path than expected.
Please tell people you love how you want to be treated. Tell people you work with. Tell them what you like and especially what you don’t. Tell them how it truly feels when they let you down instead of sweeping it under the rug because “it’s not that deep”.
Relationships have fallen apart because things that were apparently deep were said that it was not that deep. Tell your colleagues how you like working and what you prefer doing. Mirror and model what’s your preferred style of working. It may not always be convenient for people, but I bet you, most people are willing to at least try. If someone has taken time to articulate their feelings about something and proceeded to give me a “handbook” on how to navigate that, best believe I’m taking it. To do life well you have to let people know how you want to be treated. You may even have to say it over and over again but despair not. Advocating for yourself is part of the game, but allowing yourself to be loved and treated in ways you really care about is the most important part.
It’s very okay to grow to like new things and shed dead skin. Some people will have an issue with that. They will say you’ve changed; and that you’re no longer the person they know. You will smile. You have changed. And they’re welcome to get to know the new you. And if they resist the change and choose to opt out of the program, then that’s also fine. You will find new people to join you and love you as you are.
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