Work & Identity: Part 2
On burn out, and creating your own path
Hey guys,
Dropping a quick note to say a massive THANK YOU for all the love and conversations from last week’s post on Work & Identity. It was a full house in my Instagram dm’s and we all got to talking and sharing. I loved it. It made me feel less alone and I know it did for you all as well. If you’re not already following me there, pop over and say hi! These days I’m more focused on living life IRL and less online but every now and then I show up and it’s a good time :)
Last week’s reaction really got me thinking even more about the whole subject of work & identity, and so today’s post is further inspired by all the conversations I’ve been having around it. Let’s get into it.
In the last six months of 2020, anxiety and I lived in the same room. We woke up together, had breakfast, slugged on with work, and went to bed together. We laughed on Saturday mornings or cried on Sunday evenings. We even had sleepless nights in the middle of the week for no good reason. We fought but I’d give in. She left, but she’d return. And then recently I listened to a show and realised how abnormal this was for me, as a person of faith. That becoming so complacent with something that is not from God was quite literally pulling my faith apart slowly.
Worse still what brought us together was something that is supposed to bring me so much joy, something I consider a gift from God: a business.
So I decided to break up with anxiety. It was costing me too much of my joy and peace. It was ridding me of the blessing that truly is building a business from the ground up with God as my Partner in Charge. It was replacing my confidence in God with my ‘ability’ and now bruised ego. It’s okay to have doubts and go through difficult seasons but it’s not okay to normalise things that push you further away from God. Why should anything give you anxiety or worry? What is it that you want so bad that God cannot give you in a heartbeat anyway? So I read this in my devotional the other day and felt the need to share. January was tough for most people. These words have helped me get through it and I hope it helps you too.
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When we’re waiting on something that we think would give us more worth or value and we don’t receive it, that takes even more from our worth or value. When you come to a place where your worth isn’t tied to what works or doesn’t work but is about who you are then you’re not anxious for anything.
When you want something too bad, ask yourself what you think it’s going to prove about who you are that you don’t know already?
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And so, the journey is no longer for “success”. The journey is for self. The journey is having the privilege to birth something and watch it come alive. The journey is the gift of growth that continues to give and give and give until the end. [Click to tweet]
The destination is to be a whole person, lacking nothing in patience or in clarity or peace. This idea of burnout we’ve so easily become accustomed to because of the 1% of people who go viral with their success stories saying they pulled all-nighters for days without end is no longer my idea of success. Respectfully, I’m unsubscribing from that lifestyle.
The day-to-day showing up, the saying to yourself “keep going, you’ve got this” when frankly you’ve got nothing and your answer to “how’s it going” is “it’s not”, IS the success. We’ve conditioned our minds to think we’re all chasing the one thing, and then when you get it, you can retire and hang up the boots. The truth is that you’ll never stop. You’ll keep working to stay relevant, to keep proving yourself, to get to the next thing. But if the destination is for self, then your work becomes different. It becomes enjoyable, affirming, laughter worthy, and peace bringing. It becomes this thing that needs not be validated by society nor expectant of any external claps or flowers. It simply is what your best is, that you have to give and to do with what you have in your hands. It ebbs and flows. There is no start nor end. It pushes and pulls. And on and on and on it goes until your days are littered with laughter, your acts full of value, your legacy being the impact you’ve made. That, is success for me.
[1/2/21 19:24]
{The Edit}
Many of us have gone or are going through chronic burnout. Not just from sheer overworking or too much workload, but actually, quite the contrary — burnout from emotional distress or fatigue. Let me paint the picture.
You’re tired of any and everything. You have no motivation or drive to be productive. You simply want to exist devoid of work or/and attention. It’s not that you’re lazy, it’s that you’re lethargic about life and everything in it. You’re no longer passionate about the things you once enjoyed. Everything feels like a chore - even waking up and getting dressed. You might be snappy, easily irritable and upset from small things, and constantly annoyed. If any of this sounds familiar, you’re/ you’ve been burnt out.
I know because it was my lived experience for many months in 2020-2021. Day in day out I went through the motions, and some months it got lighter, but for the most part, I was floating in the clouds. What I found contributed a lot to my burnout, and maybe even yours too was not doing enough to nurture the things in life that I loved, which made me feel really ALIVE. It wasn’t that I was too busy, it was that I wasn’t busy with the things that filled me with joy. It wasn’t that I wasn’t getting paid enough, it was that I realised that money only buys you temporary moments of happiness and that can also hit a plataeu so really wasn’t what I wanted to tie my identity to. This type of emotional burnout, as I call it, was new to me and no one was talking about it. I had only ever heard of burnout due to too much work and physical strain. So I wrote this thread last year when I could finally put into words what I had been feeling, with a couple of helpful tips:
Sometimes the answer isn’t a holiday or less work, sometimes it’s creating avenues to re-spark your joy. It might mean gaining a new perspective on the things that really matter to you, such as spending more time with friends and family, and seeing how you can make that more of a reality. It might be realising that your current job doesn’t give you the satisfaction you crave from something you spend most of your time doing, and so you decide to change it. It might be changing your circle of friends to more people who inspire and uplift you, even if that means shooting your shot at people you admire on socials. It might even mean quitting social media for a few months and taking the extra time to do something you’ve always wanted to learn to do like swim or painting. It might mean altogether redefining what success looks like to you on a daily basis and working to achieve that with a therapist or accountability partner. Heck, it might mean working out and eating clean because your diet & fitness regime does actually [hugely] impact your mood.
On charting your own course
Creating your own path in life is uniquely and personally tied to who you are. There’s nothing to rush but everything to be gained by living life urgently. Urgency in this instance is not necessarily tied to speed or even time to an extent but in the meaning and intention behind your actions and choices. It’s knowing that one day we will all die and so we HAVE to LIVE, and live well. Whatever way you do that is uniquely yours and not something the world can tell you how to do. Within the different facets of your life - family, friends, work, food choices, fitness, hobbies, passions and interests, relationships, etc, living urgently looks like making good choices intentionally. If you know me, you know I’m obsessed with living life with intention. From how I choose who I call friends, to the work I do, to how I structure my days (mostly), and even plan out my future goals, it’s important that I’m not taking life for granted in any way. I put out good things and thoughts, and I expect good things from life. I’m not surprised about how my life is turning out because I’ve lived life with an intense focus on intentionality. Even if every roadblock and obstacle weren’t in my plan, I’m guided by God and know that my every step is ordered and is on purpose. The good, bad and in between are all part of life and my own path.
Whatever you want to do, or be, work towards it, and know that I’m cheering you on, rooting for you, as always.
Have you experienced burnout? What did you do to get to the other side?
wow this was such a beautiful and timely read, thank you Bukiie🤍 I loved what you shared and living. It’s something I’ve been thinking about recently, how much am I really living? And what you said about worrying is so important. I’m learning to focus on God more. Not get ahead of myself but trust his inkling, let his definition of success be mine and rest in his peace. This article has sparked so much in me, thank you 🤍
Welcome to the soft life bukie. Thank you for pointing out the fact that emotional burn out is real and the goal of living well. Money is important but the control over our time is more important. I am a big fan of avoiding things that doesn't allow me control my time. I am not perfect though. A time I forgot my rule of thumb, I paid gravely for it. Emotional burnt out and work burn out. I fell sick and forgot what my identity was made of. It was when I gave control back to myself was I able to get less burnt out. It is a painful journey, but I am picking myself up. Forgiving and reminding myself how powerful the things I love is.